So here you all are, looking at a website full of sardonically slightly sadistic humor and enough sarcasm to sink some seriously strong sailboats. I’m 25, full of life, kind of loud and filled to the brim with one-liners.

I can be professional. I can be proper. I can be anything at all, and much like everyone else, you will never know if it’s true, unless you hire me.

Which I think is an absolutely brilliant idea.

I tend to let my mouth act on its own accord, at times. I don’t try to be funny, and I don’t aim to be a sarcastic jerk, but I am a journalist. Being nosy, witty and sharp kind of comes with the territory.

And if some people don’t like it, I’m probably doing my job right.

Despite how that may sound, I really am a very friendly person. I get along with everyone, even though I am kind of odd. My name is hard to pronounce, my jokes are beyond lame and I like to talk to everyone around me.

Too much, my mother says.

I feel like there should be a gif thrown on this page somewhere so I can look “modern” and “edgy,” but I refuse. I can get my point across without a three second repetition of Zooey Deschanel doing something flashy with her unfairly perfect body.

I’m not jealous. Trust me. I’m a journalist. Journalists never lie.

I have a lot more work printed and published than I feature on here. I don’t know why I leave so much of my legitimate stuff out.

Element of mystery?

Perhaps.

But probably not.

So here’s my Resume. It doesn’t get updated a lot and it’s a little out of whack, so it’s a tad bit pointless to read. That probably presents a personal potential problem.

Ah, aliteration.

I control my sarcasm very well when reporting so as to remain neutral, but that doesn’t apply to when I am writing an editorial or a personal piece.

I believe that the worst thing in the world is to become a writer who lacks ability to deliver editorial information with a personal twist. Being a journalist means having your own voice, and this is mine. I am not a parrot.

Plus, parrots can’t code as averagely as I can.

And I’m kind of afraid of birds.

Don’t you judge me.