Even Well Wishers Won’t Worry

I have no idea what that title is supposed to mean, in case anyone was wondering. I really need to cool it with the alliteration obsession. I’m not nearly as funny or witty as I think I am.

Anyway, I heard through the grapevine (AKA the magazines at Shop Rite while I was in line) that the Barracks broke up, or at least, they filed for divorce.

I’m generally not big on caring about what these people do with their personal lives—or what anyone does with their personal life—but their covert affairs don’t bother me. What bothers me is how silent everyone is about it.

“Sources” from the secret service have leaked information that the president was found in bed with another woman, multiple women, in fact. There was also something going around about an obsession with Gwyneth Paltrow. Where does it end, Barrack? Where?

And dear lord, how come no one is beating down his door trying to impeach him like they did to Bill Clinton?

People tell me that it’s because Billy Goat lied about his affair, but still. I didn’t see Barrack holding a press conference admitting to his own sexcapades.

At least Clinton was a good president. He left the country in pretty good shape.

And fine, so Obama collected America after Georgie Junior destroyed it, but in six years of presidency, the only really interesting thing I heard is his alleged affair.

Oh and his millions of dollars spent on Israel while people in America remain jobless and homeless, schools all over country are closing and healthcare is in no better shape than it was before all four Americans signed up for his big Obamacare campaign.

And just for kicks, let’s shut down the government for a bit, too. That was a hoot.

To be fair, you aren’t the first president to sneak under the covers with some random in the Oval Office. There were Kennedy and Clinton, too. So before you put up your peace signs and leave the White House for good, revel in the fact that impeachment was never on your plate.

At least you and Kennedy got away with it.

Maybe they figured you had already screwed up enough. No need to add insult to injury.

Just to be clear, I voted for Obama. I was so pumped for the first black president, but damn dude. Damn.

I think that’s all I have to say about O-Beezy, for now. Let’s let the guy get back to his failed marriage and the good use of his manaconda.

P.S, it is terrible journalism to use the term “Sources” in an article, even if you are just a tabloid writer.

Tabloid. What an interesting word. Let’s define it!

Tabloid (n.): A stack of pages holding useless and poorly written information that’s only true use is to cover tables for messy meals.

Ex: We’re having lobster for dinner. Get the tabloid and cover the table.

Ah, I’m bitchier than usual today.

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