The Breast Milk Bandit

Hesse, Germany—A healthy-bosomed woman attempted to rob a pharmacy by using her own fresh-out-of-the-utter breast milk as a weapon.

The woman entered the pharmacy and handed the cashier €200 to buy a breast pump priced only at €20. As soon as the pharmacist took the money, the woman uncovered her chest and aimed one of her god-sent guns at the man before unleashing her liquid of doom.

She then went to another register and, despite the pleas for her to cover herself, repeated the offense on another cashier and quickly left.

The best part of the entire situation: she left more money than she took.

Yes, the fiend reached into the register and swiped some cash, but after counting up the day’s earnings, the pharmacy staff discovered that she had only taken €100 and had even left the breast pump.

Police officers were baffled. Customers were shocked. Workers were scarred for life. It was, as some officials allegedly said, “Almost unbelievable.”

However, there could be many explanations for her outlandish behavior. Maybe the lady had just been in need of some attention for her newly enlarged breasts and decided to put on a show. Maybe she was just incredibly fond and conceited about her voluptuous upstairs package. Maybe–since witnesses described her as a foreigner–she thought it was a wild German custom and didn’t want to seem ignorant or xenophobic.

Or maybe she was just bat crap crazy.

Much like the amount of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

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