A Man’s Guide to Understanding Women

A good friend of mine came to talk to me about problems he was having with his girlfriend. He asked me a bunch of questions about women, and I tried to answer. I really tried.

Q: She texted me asking how many girls I’ve been with. When I gave her my answer, she ignored me. Why?
A: I don’t know.

Q: Why does she always bring up things from the past that we’re supposed to be over that she forgave me for?
A: I guess she didn’t forgive you?

Q: Why is it that when I’m out with my friends and don’t call her at all, she gets upset?
A: I don’t know.

Q: She accused me of always just wanting sex, and I said no. Now she’s acting weird. I thought “no” was the right answer?
A: Women want sex just as much as men do, so I don’t know.

Q: She wants me to always pick up the check and do all this stuff for her without expecting a thank you, but gets really bitchy if I ask her for things and don’t give her a poem about how thankful I am. Just because I’m a man doesn’t mean she has to do things for me, she says.
A: That’s true, but just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean you have to do things for her, either.

Q: She told me she wants this new blender that’s kind of expensive. I got it for her for Christmas. She got mad. Why?
A: I guess you shouldn’t give a girl a household item as a holiday gift?

Q: But why did she say she wanted it if she didn’t want it?
A: I don’t know.

Q: She talks to her ex from time to time, but flipped out when she saw a “Merry Xmas” text from my ex on my phone. She says it’s different. How?
A: I don’t know.

Q: I hung out with my sister and her friend without telling her. Now she won’t talk to me because I was around another girl and she had to find out from someone else.
A: Time for a new girlfriend, Adam.

I’m not sure anything I said was helpful at all. I obviously don’t understand women very well.

I think I might be a gay guy in a straight woman’s body.

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