Ted Talk from Hell

My father sat me down this morning to give me a nice long talk about my behavior, and all of the ways I am ruining my own life by not following religion.

He made the following points:
1) I am addicted to my laptop. I spend most of my time on my screen and do almost nothing else, and therefore need rehab for tech addiction.

2) I do not dress up in an attractive way to please my husband.

3) I do not read enough scripture, and my standards for good and evil are skewed.

4) I do not help other people, and that is against “our” belief system.

5) I am not taking care of my body.

First of all, I am way too old to be having this kind of conversation with my daddy. I’m staying with them for a couple of weeks until my apartment is ready for a move-in, but that doesn’t make me thirteen again. I appreciate the advice, but I didn’t buy tickets to this Ted Talk, dad.

Anyway, yes, I am on my laptop for the majority of the time that I am awake, but that is primarily because everything I enjoy doing is electronic, now. Writing? Laptop. Reading? Laptop. Watching film and media? Laptop. Self-righteous ranting?


To this point, he says, “Well, you shouldn’t always be doing things you enjoy. You should be worshipping god.”

Bro. I’m not making digs at people who spend most of their time saluting their savior, but I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

You know I.

And what the hell does he mean I “don’t dress up in a way that’s pleasing to my husband?” Are we still in 2019, or did we just ratify the 19th Amendment? Women got the right to vote a hundred years ago, father of mine. We’re not second class citizens, anymore. I am not here as a play thing for a man. I am clean, I smell good, and I generally look like a very classy hobo. He married me just like this. I am not a work in progress.

Well, I am, just not in the sense that I’m on my way to an extreme makeover.

And this notion that my standards all have to come from the exact wording I find in the scripture I barely read is ridiculous. My moral compass does not have a “WWMD” watermark on it. Yes, I get that there are some things that come from the book of all books that I should follow, but that’s up to me. I’m not out here knocking people’s hats off everyday, so I think I’m alright.

And lastly, my body is my problem. No one gets to jump in and try to hose down this dumpster fire.

My marshmallows are still toasting over it.

Some may wonder if I responded.

I did not. I’m moving out tomorrow. I think I’ll just watch him listen to the sound of his own voice for a while.

I am completely comfortable being the family disappointment.

I am the weakest link.


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