Human Trafficking a Fun New Facebook Feature

Misty Vanhorn, a 22-year-old a resident of Oklahoma, attempted to sell her own children on Facebook to collect money for her boyfriend’s bail. Apparently, VanHorn was offering each child for $1,000 or, clearly as a belated, bizarre Black Friday Sale, $4,000 for both.

And it doesn’t stop there. Someone actually responded to her advertisement. A woman in Arkansas attempted to take the offer, but just before the transaction was made, some sensible soul on Facebook decided to go stool pigeon all over their shady deals.

Although the customer’s identity remains unknown, Vanhorn was arrested and charged with child trafficking, which could mean up to 10 years of jail-time in the Oklahoma Department of Corrections, or a fine of up to $10,000.00 per violation.

Aside from the ridiculous irony of attempting to sell one’s own children for the sake of another supposed love one, it has become apparent that it’s possible that all intelligent life has left Facebook and moved on.

With the amount of people advertising their crimes online so far, it’s really frightening to know that there are actually humans with so little common sense and a barely existing moral compass roaming the internet–and the world–freely.

We all thought Facebook was safer than Myspace? I guess not.

And her poor boyfriend’s still in jail.

The Breast Milk Bandit

Hesse, Germany—A healthy-bosomed woman attempted to rob a pharmacy by using her own fresh-out-of-the-utter breast milk as a weapon.

The woman entered the pharmacy and handed the cashier €200 to buy a breast pump priced only at €20. As soon as the pharmacist took the money, the woman uncovered her chest and aimed one of her god-sent guns at the man before unleashing her liquid of doom.

She then went to another register and, despite the pleas for her to cover herself, repeated the offense on another cashier and quickly left.

The best part of the entire situation: she left more money than she took.

Yes, the fiend reached into the register and swiped some cash, but after counting up the day’s earnings, the pharmacy staff discovered that she had only taken €100 and had even left the breast pump.

Police officers were baffled. Customers were shocked. Workers were scarred for life. It was, as some officials allegedly said, “Almost unbelievable.”

However, there could be many explanations for her outlandish behavior. Maybe the lady had just been in need of some attention for her newly enlarged breasts and decided to put on a show. Maybe she was just incredibly fond and conceited about her voluptuous upstairs package. Maybe–since witnesses described her as a foreigner–she thought it was a wild German custom and didn’t want to seem ignorant or xenophobic.

Or maybe she was just bat crap crazy.

Much like the amount of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

Prison Sentence Selfie

West London, England—Five hooligan gang members face drug possession and sale charges after posing for photos holding narcotics and cannabis and advertising their sales operation on social networks.

Sophian Chhayra, 24, and Zakaria Chentouf, 24, posed for pictures including mountains of British pounds that they confessed were acquired through illegal drug-related transactions in the neighborhoods of Kensington and Chelsea in London.

Ahmed Mahomud, 20, and Fouad Soussi, 21, confessed to involvement in controlled supply of drugs, while Yousif Mahomud, 19, admitted to involvement only with the sale of Class-B drugs in West London.

Aside from the fact that all five men obviously have no ability to use a normal thought process, it is glaringly obvious that, like I’ve been melodramatically harping on about for too long, current trends and social networks have brain-bathed inhabitants of planet earth to the point where even people who were able to create an almost impressive high-paying illegal supply-and-demand circuit have a deep need to show off and advertise their exploits online.

Then again, maybe smarter people created the operation and these idiots just wanted to gain “respect” or perhaps “reverence” for being super duper faux hardcore gangsters.

But that’s not why I consider this stupid news; at least, not entirely. Note three of the five men’s names. See any deeper connection than friendship?

Ahmed Mahomud, Fouad Soussi and Yousif Mahomud are MuslimMiddle Eastern names! If there is anyone who should not be advertising any illegal or even questionable activity, it’s YOU! Can you tell me the last time a Muslim got a pass on a crime he actually committed, particularly in the West? Don’t worry. I’ll wait.

I’m not trying to get political or racist here, but even if we don’t like it, we have to live in the real world. This is a crime that even a normal white male is very unlikely be able to get away with, especially in a fair trial. Even if these men get a light punishment, there will be a target on their backs for the rest of their sad, pathetic lives.

We all do thoughtless and sometimes immoral things to look cool every once in a while, but you don’t leave evidence.

Maybe they should all plead insanity, because it is very depressing and difficult to believe that there are average people in this chaotic and clearly crumbling world who are this ridiculously idiotic.

Woman’s Condo Sold Over $95 Tax Bill

Norcross, Ga–Georgia resident Xiu Lui is facing the loss of ownership of and eviction from her condo over an unpaid tax bill of $94.85 that she never received.

Not only did Lui never get the bill, she also never got the memo that her precious home was up for sale and sold at an auction. She was given until November 25 to pack her things and take a hike. As it turns out, the letter never even had a complete address. There was nothing on the envelope that could point to any person or home at all.

Of course, there are the obvious questions, like perhaps why there was no follow up letter, or why a city issued bill would be handled so carelessly, but none of this is the central problem. Why, why, is there a blind zero tolerance rule on late bills? Lui’s past records have proven to be exemplary. She has regularly made all payments and met all necessary fees and deadlines for three full years. She has not ignored any bills or fines issued by any entity.

Was the city’s fifteen-year-old secretary too focused on Beyonce’s marriage problems to write a real address and incapable of making a proper follow up bill when the payment wasn’t received?

But never fear, Norcross City Manager Rudolph Smith is on the case. He rigorously took a stand and stated that “they” would be, “doing their due diligence.”

However, since the condo has already been sold, they’re not exactly sure how to fix the boo boo.

Since when does America wring the taxpayers dry and carry out ridiculous punishments for people who trip out of line once in an indigo moon?

Oh wait, since like, always.

The extent of the city’s “apology” was simply the confessions that mistakes were made.

Gee, what a holly jolly heartfelt sorry that was, Georgia.

 

Flamingos die at hands of fraternity brother

October 10th, Columbia, South Carolina–A University of South Carolina student killed two flamingos as he attempted to steal one from the Hattiesburg Zoo for his fraternity’s scavenger hunt game.

The student, Devin Norris, got into an altercation with one flamingo while attempting to steal said flamingo’s mate. The female bird was rushed to a hospital the next morning, and the male’s lifeless body was found next to her. Both flamingos did not survive the holly jolly antics of Pi Kappa Alpha.

Sure, the student who did it got what he deserved, but the fraternity just got a month’s suspension. They came up with the idea and pushed the kid to do it, but they were only faced with a thirty-day hold on their partying and games. What a punishment. How ever will they survive it? Maybe a nice alcohol and drug filled party will help them recuperate. If they can stay sober for the next thirty days, that is.

These kinds of antics and stunts go on all the time, and no one feels the need to carefully watch these houses full of drunken idiots? A month-long hold isn’t enough. How about probation and surprise inspections?

Bet the “pranks” would stop then!

And before anyone goes burning the student at the stake and saying that only he should be held accountable, remember: he has to live with the fact that he lost a fight to a female flamingo for the rest of his life.

Plus, there’s probably a bounty on his head as the Hattiesburg Zoo’s flamingos plan their own fun little prank on Pi Kappa Alpha.

Or not, but a girl can dream.

Flamingos

KFC employee douses customer in oil

October 8th, Barataria, Louisiana–A KFC employee was slapped with several of the restaurant’s paper bags last Tuesday by an impatient customer in line. She, in turn, decided that the most fitting reaction was a nice order of hot oil all over his body. Unnamed employee dared to tell a customer to wait. KFC regular Sheema Gonzales used a paper bag as a lethal weapon of facial destruction.

Kudos to both of them for somehow making a lethal assault both horrifying and hysterical. Hot oil? Oh my god. Paper bag slap? Excuse the world for immediately laughing out loud.

Her defense? He started it. The Kentucky Fried Chicken team has reached the end of their patience with rude and obnoxious customers. The verbal abuse was slowly building a mountain of resentment, and the slap brought the tension to a head. The customer simply had to be punished.

It is absolutely true that any physical assault is unacceptable and must be punished, but there is a fine line between consequences and outright madness. A schoolyard excuse for psychotic aggression just doesn’t work.

That’s like saying that, because a professor gave me a few unfair bad grades, I am completely justified in taking my frustration out on his brand new Honda Civic. He hurt my GPA. I’ll hurt his bank account.

And the only concern the KFC kids have is that employees will lose respect and protection. More people will attack them, they claim.

Yeah, because anyone else will be stupid enough to mess with people showering customers with hot oil in broad daylight. It’s doubtful that anyone will dare to raise their voice even half an octave above an “inside voice.” That is, if they decide to talk at all.

KFC: Giving a whole new meaning to, “The customer is always right.”