Mr. Miss. Mrs. Madam’s Married to a Man

There are still many customs we liberals tend to take part in despite the blaring antiquated sexism that they carry. One said example is the shift of a woman’s title based on her marital status.

She’s still a virgin southern belle without a man waiting in the wings for her with his trust fund? Let’s call her Miss.
She’s thrown the bridal bouquet over her shoulder and hopped into a limo for a honeymoon in Prague? Add a Mrs. to her title and pencil in his last name.

Now let’s look at our better halves.
He’s a college freshman from the slums of Philly who can’t talk to girls without soiling himself? He’s a Mr.
He’s the CEO of a company with a harem in his back pocket? That man’s a Mr.
He’s twelve and handing out invitations to his elaborate Upper East Side birthday bash? The kid is…a Mr.

No matter what the marital status of a man is, his title does not change. He is his own person, whether he has found a life partner to wed or not. He is the dominant of the two. Why should anything about him change just because there’s a woman he has deigned to marry?

That would be blasphemy, dear.

Yes, one can use the argument that “Mrs.” is used when two women get married as well, but this new development does nothing to change history or fact. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) wasn’t even struck down until 2013. Aside from that, female same-sex marriages account for less that 2 percent of legal unholy unions in this country. The majority of our “Mrs.” population has found alleged true love in a man, thus subsequently changing their titles.

It’s ridiculous how even the most personal part of a woman’s identity, her damn name, is subjected to change according to a standard created by a delightful band of misogynists who don’t even realize that they’re misogynistic.

At least the last name change has become increasingly unpopular. More and more women are keeping their own surname after getting married. It’s the problematic nature of title change that seems so invisible that NASA’S satellite couldn’t pick it up if it was dancing on the moon.

How about we just do away with all titles? Aren’t they a tad bit pretentious anyway? Let’s just put “The” before all our names. It would be a total self-esteem booster.

The Hend Salah.

I like it.

Why Weddings aren’t Weally Worth it

I don’t understand weddings.

Or to be more specific, I don’t understand the importance of weddings. People spend thousands of dollars on a few hours. Can you stop and think about all the other things in the world that you could use that money for that would be so much more enjoyable, more useful, than a party?

Weddings are just a manifestation of one’s personal hubris. The prettier the wedding, the better we feel about ourselves. People who attend have to “wow” themselves to sleep that night because they’d never been to so expensive a shindig. Otherwise, the union was unsuccessful.

Who cares what kind of food is served, or which designer made your dress, or what color uplighting Sir Disk Jockey used? Why does it matter if the center pieces aren’t perfectly crafted in an ostentatious formation that’ll make your bitter Aunt Ellie jail-house jealous?

The concept of a wedding being the “most important day of your life” is borderline insane. How is wearing an uncomfortable outfit for five hours and being stared at by tons of people you barely know or talk to special?

“You only get married once” is no longer a plausible argument. 50 percent of marriages in America end in divorce. You might think you’re a special snowflake and are irrevocably in love, but people change over time. The chances you aren’t going to make it are pretty high, and now you’re out all this money that you could have had as back up just in case life happens.

All because you just had to have the sexiest wedding south of nowhere.

Band or DJ? Chicken or beef? Vera Wang or off-the-rack discount Davy’s Bridal? White or ivory table cloths? Four cameras or five? Sacrifice one virgin or two?

Who gives a fuck?

Why not keep the money for a down payment on a house, or an awesome honeymoon, or a saving’s bond for a rainy day?

I just think it’s disgusting that we spend a fortune to make a huge production of something people do all the time. Getting married is not some huge achievement. It’s a dated process that doesn’t really accumulate much envy on your guests’ parts. Can you imagine the amount of people you could feed with that money? How many lives you could improve with just a fraction of how much you just spent on food for people who eat pretty well all on their own?

A wedding is just a party. Nothing more. There is no reason to make it rain diamonds just to show that you’re better than everyone else. It doesn’t make you look happier. It just proves how desperate you really are for attention.

Trust me. People are not going to remember your “special night” for very long. You will be filed away in the deepest corner of their minds, right at the very bottom of the “Irrelevant Memories” cabinet. Even you will never look at those pictures, again.

So let it go.