The Perfect Perception of Pride

Pride is an interesting social construct. It is an idea based on perception, not fact. Entire personalities can be fundamentally hated because of misconstrued words and idiosyncrasies. We write people off as proud or egotistical only by interpreting what we see.

A little known truth is that, people’s actions do not always point to their true selves. Humans often display a smoke screen that creates an illusion that we are what we are not. Sometimes, it is easier to put on a facade of complete detachment and apathy simply because allowing reality to shine through can only expose our vulnerability.

“This is me.”
“You don’t like it, I don’t care.”
“I am who I am.”
“I will change for no one.”
“Get over it.”

These statements are thought to be nothing more than a verbal manifestation of a person’s high sense of their own grandiosity. However, they are not expressions of extreme hubris. More often than not, they are the words we hide behind to distract people from our floor-level self-esteem. When people are kept safely at arm’s length, the pain that intensifies when we’re alone in the dark is invisible.

Pride isn’t palpable. It isn’t easily discerned. It is often a cover for depression, anxiety, and low self-worth.

It is better to be awful than weak. It is better to be pompous than broken.

Be careful what you say, because your words are worse than sticks and stones. Broken bones heal. Broken hearts don’t. A simple sentence said can run races in someone’s mind until they fall apart completely.

And there’s no coming back from that.

Points of pride be damned.

The Idea Guy

I had to take a communication style test today, along with the other trainees and my boss. We sat in that room with that damn sheet of paper, answering questions that were just a tad bit intrusive. And I can’t say I didn’t struggle, because I knew that all of my honest answers would put me in a category I didn’t really want my boss to know I was in.

But I did it, anyway.

Because I’m stupid, and didn’t know we would have to share.

When we looked over the results, everyone in the room ended up in Communication Style 3, except me. I was in Style 4, and it wasn’t exactly a good place to be in, at that moment.

Style 3 is people-oriented. The listeners. The caretakers. The empathizers. Everything a therapist should be.

Style 4, however, is the Idea Guy. The abstract thinker. The artist. The writer. The challenger. I can’t say I’m shocked, but no one else? No one?

I am always the oddball. I am always in a category all on my own, swimming in a soul-sucking sea of solitude that’s really just dark as fuck. What good is it being an Idea Guy if nothing I come up with is worth being read?

All it means is that I’m playing for a losing team, because numbers outweigh strength.

Strength I don’t even have.

Yay for self-esteem.